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Jokes
Aug 14, 2007 1:15:33 GMT
Post by rachel on Aug 14, 2007 1:15:33 GMT
A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your thingy long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "No!"
"Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather.
A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your thingy long enough to touch your not a very nice person?" Again the grandson replied, "No!"
"Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.
About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home. On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?" The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your thingy big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"
"Good, then go f**k yourself!", said the grandson.
With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don't answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line- this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida ... in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
any more good jokes? i always have a ton...cuz i have a thing that gives me them on google ;D
just found this: Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are thingyroaches and Chuck Norris.
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Jokes
Aug 15, 2007 2:15:42 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Aug 15, 2007 2:15:42 GMT
Haha, those were both really funny! I dont have any good jokes coming to mind, but I'll post some when I do, If you get anymore like that , please post them , they were really good!
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Jokes
Aug 15, 2007 3:57:31 GMT
Post by rachel on Aug 15, 2007 3:57:31 GMT
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
computer jokes kill me cuz ive had to many run ins with these error things...and i hate windows/micrsoft and want a mac so it wont break.
An old man took his dog to the vet after getting several complaints from the mailman. After examining the dog, the vet said, "Sir, I don't see anything wrong with your dog other than the fact that he is old, and through my years of practice, I have found that if you castrate an old dog, they will get fat and lazy and mellow out quite a bit."
After giving this much thought, the old man said, "OK doc, go ahead, because if I don't do something, my ass is going to end up in jail." Three days later, the old man went to the vet's office, picked the dog up and took him home.
That evening, the old man was sitting on his porch reading his paper, and the bulldog was laying by his side. Along came the mailman, who turned into the old man's front gate to give the old man his mail. Off of the porch jumped the dog, knocked the mailman down, and proceeded to tear his ass up.
The old man came off of the porch, picked the dog up, placed him under his arm and said, "Damn Mr. Mailman, I'm sorry as hell, but I just don't know what to do with this damn dog." "As a matter of fact, I just took him to the vet three days ago and had him castrated."
The mailman got up, brushed himself off and said, "Well you dumb son-of-a-bitch, you should have had his teeth pulled! Hell, I could tell that he didn't want to screw me when he came off of the porch!"
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
heres one im gonna do from memory:
so there are 6 people on a plane:the pilot, george w. bush, ronaldinho a rabbi, and a little kid. the planes engines malfunction and the plane is going to crash...there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. the captain goes down with the plane. the president says hey well im the president of the united states i cant die so he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. the next is ronaldinho. he says well im a famous soccer player with tons of fans i cant die so he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. the last 2 are the rabbi and the little kid and the rabbi says hey little kid you are young and have a full life ahead of you so you can take the last parachute since i am old and will die soon anyway. the little kid turns to him and says no its okay, the president took my backpack.
horaaay bush dies! from stupidity!!!
anohter from my head and sprry if these arent as good cuz i suck at telling jokes.
so there are 3 girls rinning from the police a blonde a brunette and a red head. the come across an old barn and some sacks of potatos.the police come into the barn and kick each sack, the brunette is behing the first and as it kicks she goes *meowww* so they say oh hey its just a cat and move on, the red head is behind the secong bag and they kick it and she goes *woof* and they are just like oh its just a dog and they move to the third sack with the blonde behind it and when they kick the bag she goes "potatoes".
anohter dumbblonde joke(imnot offended by them even though im blonde...unfortunately -_-) so three constructions workers[blonde brunette red head] are up onto of the beams on the building they are working on eating lunch and each day its the same lunch so they decide that if they get the same lunch the next day they will trow themselves off the ledge. the next day they open thier lunch. the brunette funds the same thing and jumps off the otehr 2 do aswell and when their husbands show up the brunette and red heads husbands are like gee if i had known i would have packed somehting else and the blondes husband goes dont look at me she packs he own lunch.
my friends supply me with endless dumb blonde jokes xD
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Jokes
Aug 15, 2007 16:42:40 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Aug 15, 2007 16:42:40 GMT
Those were all really funny again Rachel, especially the first one, keep postin em! heres another featuring the president George Bush is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," Bush says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Bush. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer. "What?" asks Bush, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying George and Laura Bush was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy." "Wonderful!" Bush beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!" haha well I thought it was funny anyway
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Jokes
Aug 15, 2007 16:55:31 GMT
Post by rachel on Aug 15, 2007 16:55:31 GMT
thats friken awesome!!!
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?" "They're busy." "Oh. Is anybody else there?" "The police." "Can I speak to them?" "They're busy." "Oh. Is anybody else there?" "The firemen." "Can I speak to them?" "They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Lookin for me."
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"d**ned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
ok im done for now
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."
just found that
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Jokes
Aug 15, 2007 19:24:03 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Aug 15, 2007 19:24:03 GMT
Lol! I love these jokes.
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Jokes
Aug 16, 2007 1:01:24 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Aug 16, 2007 1:01:24 GMT
Those were Excellent again! Especially the first one and the period one, im gonna have to try and remember some of these, im awful at remembering jokes
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Jokes
Aug 16, 2007 4:26:10 GMT
Post by rachel on Aug 16, 2007 4:26:10 GMT
same here...thats why i like if my friend knows the joke i will let them tell it...unless i really want to.
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Jokes
Aug 20, 2007 1:06:59 GMT
Post by rachel on Aug 20, 2007 1:06:59 GMT
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.
The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated."
The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned."
Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."
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Jokes
Aug 20, 2007 15:41:32 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Aug 20, 2007 15:41:32 GMT
HA!HA!HA! I like the one about the tattoo!!
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Jokes
Aug 21, 2007 4:10:50 GMT
Post by rachel on Aug 21, 2007 4:10:50 GMT
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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Jokes
Aug 21, 2007 17:16:08 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Aug 21, 2007 17:16:08 GMT
Ive heard that before somewhere.
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Jokes
Aug 22, 2007 0:05:13 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Aug 22, 2007 0:05:13 GMT
good jokes again Rachel, particularly the one about the tattoo haha!
ok heres one
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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Jokes
Aug 22, 2007 3:43:37 GMT
Post by rachel on Aug 22, 2007 3:43:37 GMT
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
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Jokes
Aug 24, 2007 1:41:33 GMT
Post by rachel on Aug 24, 2007 1:41:33 GMT
A guy walks into a bar.
Guy: "Hey, barkeeper, give me a beer."
Barkeeper: "Tell you what, if you can make that horse out there laugh, I will give you a free beer and $500."
So the guy walks outside and whispers to the horse. The horse laughs. The guy walks back in.
Guy: "Where's my $500 and free beer?"
Barkeeper: "Alright, double or nothing says you can't make that horse cry."
The guy walks outside again. The barkeep chuckles to himself as he's cleaning a glass and misses what the guy does, but he hears the horse crying. The guy comes back in.
Guy: "Alright, where's my $1000 and two free beers?"
Barkeeper: "What did you say to make the horse laugh?"
Guy : "I told him I have a bigger penis than him."
Barkeeper: "What did you do to make him cry?"
Guy: "I showed him."
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