|
Jokes
Aug 24, 2007 18:16:57 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Aug 24, 2007 18:16:57 GMT
I like the horse one!!!
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 25, 2007 22:52:42 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Aug 25, 2007 22:52:42 GMT
both excellent jokes once again! I thought this was really funny:
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 25, 2007 23:31:09 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Aug 25, 2007 23:31:09 GMT
heres a few more
A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days". The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe." She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank." He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot." She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it." After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband. He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 26, 2007 4:25:43 GMT
Post by rachel on Aug 26, 2007 4:25:43 GMT
wow. lol. dont have any right now. im like in a really weird mood lol.
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 26, 2007 16:28:15 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Aug 26, 2007 16:28:15 GMT
I've heard the sperm bank one before.
A banana and a vibrator are sitting on a bedside cabinet. The banana turns to the vibrator and says 'I don't know what you're shaking for, she's gonna f**king eat me!!!!!'
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 28, 2007 23:22:46 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Aug 28, 2007 23:22:46 GMT
haha like it!
Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go f**k herself!"
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 28, 2007 23:32:46 GMT
Post by rachel on Aug 28, 2007 23:32:46 GMT
DEEEYYUMMM! thats funny as hell! i think ive seen one very similar to that. it sounds familiar.
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 28, 2007 23:55:48 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Aug 28, 2007 23:55:48 GMT
This one is a bit sexist but if you see past that its still pretty funny
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 29, 2007 0:05:49 GMT
Post by rachel on Aug 29, 2007 0:05:49 GMT
damn. lol. what do you call an alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
yo mamma is so poor she cant even afford to pay attention.
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 30, 2007 21:55:02 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Aug 30, 2007 21:55:02 GMT
I've heard the old lady one and the bar one before but they still make me laugh!
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 3, 2007 0:52:38 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Sept 3, 2007 0:52:38 GMT
all great jokes as always! particularly the pizza delivery guy heres one Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 3, 2007 1:05:50 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Sept 3, 2007 1:05:50 GMT
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it? Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands. Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters". Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 3, 2007 15:25:49 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Sept 3, 2007 15:25:49 GMT
I LIKE that one!
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 9, 2007 23:37:32 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Sept 9, 2007 23:37:32 GMT
I think this is a great joke!
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
|
|
|
Jokes
Sept 10, 2007 3:48:30 GMT
Post by rachel on Sept 10, 2007 3:48:30 GMT
hahahaha!!! thats pretty funny
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.
But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.
Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.
Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.
Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!" i dotn remember if i ever posted that
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,
"Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
this isnt the right version but its similar enough
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water, The fish swallows the fly, The bear grabs the fish, The hunter shoots the bear, The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich, The cat jumps for the mouse, The mouse ducks, and The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some girl thingy is probably in danger!
and the censors on here are gonna block some stuff on them -sighs-
|
|