|
Jokes
Sept 30, 2007 7:30:40 GMT
Post by rachel on Sept 30, 2007 7:30:40 GMT
LMAO!!! that is great!
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 1, 2007 21:35:05 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Oct 1, 2007 21:35:05 GMT
LOL!
Bad news I'm affraid. I was involved in a car accident this morning. I hit 3 people at a pedestrian crossing. The 1st one went thru my windscreen, the 2nd dented the bonnet and the 3rd landed 200 feet away from the car. The police have been really good about it. They charged the 1st person with breaking and entering, the 2nd with criminal damage and the 3rd one for leaving the scene of an accident!
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 1, 2007 23:03:30 GMT
Post by rachel on Oct 1, 2007 23:03:30 GMT
haha!
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 2, 2007 18:05:09 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Oct 2, 2007 18:05:09 GMT
I told that one to my dad and he was in stitches!!
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 4, 2007 2:31:50 GMT
Post by rachel on Oct 4, 2007 2:31:50 GMT
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Chinese: Me not come to work, me sick.
Boss: When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it.
Later chinese called back: It worked. Me better. You got nice house!
A man walked into a bar after just being dumped. The person serving at the time was a woman. She kept on giving him free drinks the whole night. When the bar had closed she went up to him and asked if he wanted to go upstairs for a quicky. He of course said yes and they went upstairs.
When they got there the women asked if he had any protection. He hadn't any and answered no. So she told him there was a chemist across the road and gave him £ 1.
When he got to the chemist there were a selection of condoms to choose from:
There was a tramp one for 50 p. There was an apple flavoured one for £ 1. And there was a metal one for £ 1.50.
As he only had one pound the man bought the apple flavoured one.
During the the night of fun the condom slipped and the lady got pregnant. The couple married and raised a son.
When he was 5 years old, he went up to his dad and cried: "Daddy why do I have green arms? This is not fair."
To this the dad replied: "I would count yourself lucky my son. If I would have had an extra 50 p you would have been Robo-Cop"
lmao i love that last one
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 5, 2007 21:14:52 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Oct 5, 2007 21:14:52 GMT
I've heard the 1st 2 before but I like the Robo Cop one too!
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 1:52:45 GMT
Post by rachel on Oct 6, 2007 1:52:45 GMT
There's a bar on top of a really, really high building and it's very windy outside, so it is swaying back and forth. A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours. Another guy comes and sits next to him. The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, "You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in." The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in. The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar. At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death. The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, you’re vicious when you’re drunk!"
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy ...'. And here I am."
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 9, 2007 21:46:57 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Oct 9, 2007 21:46:57 GMT
Haha! Great jokes as always girls!
After dating for 6 months, a guy tells his girl, "Man, I'd really love a blow job." She refuses saying, "You wouldn't respect me if I did that." They eventually marry and, on their wedding night, the man asks again. "No," she says. "You wouldn't respect me." At every anniversary of their wedding day, he would ask again, but the answer was always the same: "You wouldn't respect me." On their 50th anniversary, the man says to his wife, "Darling, I've been waiting all these years for a blow job. I ask every year. How much longer do we have together, anyway? You know I love you. You've got to know I'll still respect you. Please, do this for me." She was touched by the speech and finally gave in. While she's doing it to him, the phone rings. The man answers it. "Hello?... hold on...it's for you, cocksucker!"
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 9, 2007 21:59:21 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Oct 9, 2007 21:59:21 GMT
The young lady was feeling a bit amorous, so she decided to leave work a little early and surprise her husband. When she got home, she saw her husband in the bedroom. She went in the bedroom and said, "John, take off my shoes." So John took off her shoes. Then she said, "John, take off my dress." So John obliged and took off her dress. Next, it was "John, take off my slip." So John took off her slip. Then, she said, "John take off my bra!" So John unhooked her bra and let it fall to the floor. Lastly, she said "John, take off my panties!!!." After John finished removing her panties, she said, "Don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 10, 2007 3:36:53 GMT
Post by rachel on Oct 10, 2007 3:36:53 GMT
thats funny!! reminds me of ed wood x]
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 11, 2007 17:59:45 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Oct 11, 2007 17:59:45 GMT
I love them both. I've heard the one with the blackbirds before but I still find it funny!
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 26, 2007 12:21:57 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Oct 26, 2007 12:21:57 GMT
One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.
He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker replied "100 Bucks"
The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.
The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"
She said "200 dollars"
"200 dollars that's a lot of money"
She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs."
So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life
On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."
"1000 dollars'
"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"
So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a girl thingy."
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 11, 2007 22:36:03 GMT
Post by rachel on Nov 11, 2007 22:36:03 GMT
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.
No fee, Chen Lee.
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 12, 2007 22:35:28 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Nov 12, 2007 22:35:28 GMT
Lol! I like it!
|
|
|
Jokes
Dec 3, 2007 17:20:16 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Dec 3, 2007 17:20:16 GMT
Viagra...Now available in powder form to put in your tea. Does f**k all for your erections, but it does stop your biscuits going soft!!!
|
|