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Jokes
Sept 15, 2007 6:30:14 GMT
Post by rachel on Sept 15, 2007 6:30:14 GMT
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."
im pretty sure i never posted that
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Jokes
Sept 16, 2007 22:49:34 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Sept 16, 2007 22:49:34 GMT
thats really good, I like that one ;D
What do a plastic bag and Michael Jackson have in common?
One of them Is white and hazardous to children, and the other is a plastic bag.
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Jokes
Sept 17, 2007 4:02:38 GMT
Post by rachel on Sept 17, 2007 4:02:38 GMT
that would be the difference lol. what do muckeal jackson and PS2s have in common? they both get turned on by children XD what dopp micheal jackson and jacoby have in common? the dealy with the glove.....my dad has been pointing this out to me, so i made it my job to annoy him about it www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6WGpXj2Dwgread the description first!!!
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Jokes
Sept 17, 2007 18:56:53 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Sept 17, 2007 18:56:53 GMT
I like the Babie one! Pity most of them are recalled tho!!
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Jokes
Sept 20, 2007 5:49:26 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Sept 20, 2007 5:49:26 GMT
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you." He said, "f**k him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Jokes
Sept 20, 2007 16:56:37 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Sept 20, 2007 16:56:37 GMT
I like that one! Just my cuppa tea!!
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Jokes
Sept 20, 2007 23:25:38 GMT
Post by rachel on Sept 20, 2007 23:25:38 GMT
lol thats funny!
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Jokes
Sept 21, 2007 3:09:10 GMT
Post by rachel on Sept 21, 2007 3:09:10 GMT
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my f**king ass!" Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my f**king car!" im thinking i may have already posted this but im to lazy to check A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?" "You'll see", he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me." His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a f**king asshole ..."
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Jokes
Sept 22, 2007 3:31:22 GMT
Post by rachel on Sept 22, 2007 3:31:22 GMT
well it looks like i didnt post this one yet so h here ya go
The following is a (supposedly) true story, as seen by millions of viewers on a Spanish T.V. Channel:
The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name forward for a surprise game show. She idolized teen-age pop star Ricky Martin, and they arranged for TV cameras to be placed throughout the house. The house was then left empty with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girl's bedroom - all set to give the daughter a wonderful surprise.
However, upon returning home from school and finding the house empty, the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed a tin of pate - at this stage the live TV audience is wondering, "What the hell is going on?"
She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to remove all her clothes and spread pate all over her triangle of womanhood (at this stage Ricky Martin is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the bed with pate all over her crotch).
As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs and settles down to his favorite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed". At this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast, leaving a very embarrassed set of parents in front of a live studio audience! Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed.
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Jokes
Sept 23, 2007 18:37:58 GMT
Post by rachel on Sept 23, 2007 18:37:58 GMT
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.
Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:
"You have got a Male."
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
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Jokes
Sept 24, 2007 15:24:23 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Sept 24, 2007 15:24:23 GMT
I like that!!!!
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Jokes
Sept 24, 2007 22:08:28 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Sept 24, 2007 22:08:28 GMT
Great jokes as always!
Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, came a couple of times, wiped my Dick on the curtains and she's still screaming."
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Jokes
Sept 25, 2007 2:15:19 GMT
Post by rachel on Sept 25, 2007 2:15:19 GMT
lmao! niice!
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2007 18:49:20 GMT
Post by Kirsty on Sept 26, 2007 18:49:20 GMT
I've heard that one before but I still find it funny!
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Jokes
Sept 29, 2007 19:48:44 GMT
Post by R.Jay on Sept 29, 2007 19:48:44 GMT
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "f**k" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey!
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